If Pounds Were IQ Points

If pounds were IQ points, I would have reached my 2012 goal weight over the weekend.

First, I finished a very bad book. Not bad as in “naughty”, but bad as in “This is so stinky, it makes Limburger cheese smell like little pink rosebuds.”

And, Mom and I finished watching that movie we started last week.

Because I try to limit my negativity on this blog, I’ve posted the review of the book at Goodreads.

I promised I’d finish the movie review here, so here goes:

Did it get better? No, it did not. It got worse. By the time we realized how bad it was getting, we had become too stupid to work the DVD controls, and we watched it to the bitter end.

How bad was it? If GODZILLA (the Matthew Broderick one), JURASSIC PARK, ATTACK OF THE KILLER TOMATOES and the prolog of 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY moved in together and in-bred until there was only one baby, this movie would be it.

On the plus side, the costumes, sets, makeup, and many of the details were right on target. The worst of the acting was competent and the best of the acting was superb. The cinematography was beautiful. Great shots, great colors.

But. It. Was. STUPID. Stupid, as in STUPID stupid. Ask me to believe in a place where dinosaurs still exist. Okay. Ask me to believe in a one-of-a-kind creature who is apparently immortal and invulnerable, until he isn’t. Okay. But ask me to believe that a size-4 Depression-starved girlie can be squeezed, squashed, shaken and torn loose from bonds she couldn’t break with adrenaline strength and suffer no worse than minor scratches and bruises? Well…since you’re holding a gun on me, okay, I’ll buy that, too, just for the fun of it. But. There are so many motivations and coincidences in this movie that I don’t believe, it would be churlish to list them all.

Okay, WHY do I not accept motivations and coincidences in a fantasy movie when I’ve accepted worse in this and other ones?

I think it’s because my suspension of disbelief was broken by continuity and production errors that I consider unforgivable in a production that cost $207,000,000. That’s 207 MILLION dollars that could have built how many homeless shelters? Fed how many hungry children? And it produced this? The smoke on a boat in motion trails it, people, it doesn’t go straight up and then ahead of it. Entirely too much of going directly to needles in haystacks. Enough–I said I wouldn’t list them all, so I won’t.

My mother said, “Why does this keep reminding me of TITANIC?” I said, “Because it’s too long and it’s a disaster?” She thought that might be it. I don’t remember if this was before or after the giant carnivorous penises ate the cook’s head. As God is my witness, I am not making that up.

For a thoughtful and philosophical reading of how and why a film falls short of its potential, please read this one by Dafydd ab Hugh on Big Lizards.net.

I’m sorry if you loved this movie (or TITANIC, which I didn’t see, so fuss at my mother, not me). I deliberately didn’t name the film under review so you can pretend I’m talking about a movie you hated, too. If you disagree with my opinion, you can always blame it on all the IQ points I lost from watching this stinkbomb. Oh, wait….

WRITING PROMPT: Two people watch the same movie and have opposite opinions of it.



I was born in Louisville, Kentucky, but now live in the woods in southern Indiana. Though I only write fiction, I love to read non-fiction. The more I learn about this world, the more fantastic I see it is.

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