I’ve put some thought into this (about five seconds), so I hope you appreciate it. I know your cat will.

10. Cover as many surfaces as possible with cloth, so your cat can sit on the furniture and not get fussed at. If the cloth doesn’t match so it’s obviously utilitarian, your cat will like it even more.

9.  Make fun of the dog. The dog won’t mind.

8.  Leave some tuna or salmon in the can for her.

7.  Wash out the food and water bowls. I mean, seriously, that’s disgusting! Would you want to eat or drink out of that?

6.  Tie jingle bells onto a piece of string. Actually play with the cat with it for more than, like, two minutes. If the cat is as bored as you are, give it up. At least you tried.

5.  Drop bits of butter on the floor.

4.  Once a day, pet her as long as she wants you to.

3. Good: Sing her a song about cats. Better: Sing her a song about a cat just like her. Best: Sing her a song you made up about her. Extra points if it’s not about how bad she is.

2.  DO NOT grasp her in any way and bounce or flop her about and pretend she’s dancing to your song.

And the best cat present ever is the prize I saw a woman “win” on Let’s Make A Deal yesterday morning while I was waiting for Mom to finish her swallowing therapy:

1. HALF A TON OF FISH! The winner didn’t seem very pleased, but I would have been bouncing up and down and squealing. I would definitely have shared my half a ton of fish with Katya, you may be sure.

Happy holidays, because that sounds so much better than “whatever”.

A WRITING PROMPT FOR YOU: A character has to choose a present for somebody else’s pet.

MA