Cancer Humor #1LinerWeds

So I found out I have breast cancer. Maybe two, but both in the same breast. They’re in different locations (naturally), so the doctors and I agreed a mastectomy is the best option. The operation is the middle of January.

Did you know the healing time from a mastectomy is only two to three weeks? Isn’t that amazing?

I was pretty scared when I first heard the diagnosis, but I’m told one in every seven women have had, have, or will have breast cancer. It’s common, it’s widely studied, and it’s totally treatable.

I won’t know what treatment options I’ll be recommended until after the pathology is done on my soon-to-be-ex-lady part. Just in case, I bought a hat.

When the doctor told me he thought a mastectomy was probably best under the circumstances, although he generally favors a lumpectomy, I told him that was fine. I told him my husband is gone and I’m too old to nurse babies. In fact, I said:

The only thing I use it for is to keep from spilling food on my lap.

#4 Daughter, the amazing Sara Marian, is taking me to all my appointments and I’m enjoying being babied like a babified baby. I’ll blog about events as they unfold because, if you have this diagnosis and you’re scared, I want you to know I’m here for you. We can do this, I promise.

This post is part of Linda G. Hill’s weekly blog hop, One-Liner Wednesday. If you have a one-liner or just like them, follow the link.

A WRITING PROMPT FROM ME TO YOU: Being attached to something that isn’t necessary and may be toxic.

MA

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About

I was born in Louisville, Kentucky, but now live in the woods in southern Indiana. Though I only write fiction, I love to read non-fiction. The more I learn about this world, the more fantastic I see it is.

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One thought on “Cancer Humor #1LinerWeds

  1. mapelba

    December 29, 2021 at 7:59am

    We can talk about it if you want! As you might know, I received my diagnosis in 2013. And I had two different types of breast cancer too. I’d no idea a person could have two different kinds. Obviously, I learned a lot. I started off with a lumpectomy, but ended up needing the double mastectomy and chemo. So far, I’m doing fine now. It’s scary, but people were very supportive and helpful.

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    • Author

      Marian Allen

      December 29, 2021 at 10:36am

      I don’t know yet if they’re two different kinds, since I’ve elected for a mastectomy rather than a second biopsy and then maybe a mastectomy anyway. I do remember that you’re a fellow survivor and, as always and about so many things, an inspiration.

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  2. Michael Hodges

    December 29, 2021 at 9:44am

    Well, there’s the part where I’m scared for you, and the part where I know you’re both scared and “doing scared right” (because sometimes the fear won’t go away, and so you shall simply have to do it afraid, which really is the definition of doing a thing bravely). There’s the part where napkins come into play, and the part where you’re scared but of the mindset that napkins come into play… which is technically a branch of operant conditioning, pragmatically known as “practice” and “bravery” for the lay-person.

    There’s the part where monsters still exist long after we’ve ceased to fear dragons; and then there are all those marvelous lessons from fairy tales, as stated by G.K. Chesterton:

    “Fairy tales don’t teach children dragons exist. Children already know dragons exist. Fairy tales teach children that dragons may be slain.”

    Sometimes knights are slain, but those are typically the niggardly, coarse little knights whose own visions of knighthood came from watching the rewards of glory without ever grasping the quests required for such moments. They are not the knights who earned their scars, nor those with Chan-labeled knights errant willing to rally to the table in support of a beloved leige.

    Indeed, dragons beware the knight resolute, especially one with such a ready crowd of yo-yo-yo home-home-homies, y’dig? flashes royal gang standard, complete with pennant and streamer S’UP, lowly C-word! Forsooth, and I am rightly down for combat! Have at thee!

    An thou needs must keep us up to date, good madam.

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    • Author

      Marian Allen

      December 29, 2021 at 10:46am

      Oh, Michael, this comment had All The Things! I love the Chesterton quote. Maybe that’s why I love fairy tales so much. Thank you for being my homie. 🙂 Verily, I feel much strengthened.

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  3. boblorentson

    December 29, 2021 at 9:45am

    I wish I could “not like” this. My wife found out she had breast cancer at the very beginning of Covid, and a day after our dog tore his ACL. It’s a healing process of course, in more ways than one. I wish you well. It does sound like you have some great support, meaning from both your daughter and your sense of humor.

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    • Author

      Marian Allen

      December 29, 2021 at 10:48am

      How is your wife doing? And your dog, of course. And how are you? It can be exhausting, being the support person. Don’t forget to take care of YOU.

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  4. bodiep

    December 29, 2021 at 2:21pm

    Hey Marian–I sat just about where you’re sitting about seven years ago. My cancer was also it my lady parts, but a bit south, if you know what I mean. We caught it early and it was, as you say, totally treatable, but that’s not to say it wasn’t pretty scary. I discovered Tig Notaro’s wonderful stories, particularly her “Hello, I have cancer…” story. It’s on YouTube (here’s the audio https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHXo3FFsfeU ). Your one-liner reminded me of her. For me, I got scared I couldn’t be creative anymore, so I started painting (I’ll show you sometime, if I haven’t already). I’m thinking of you, and hoping your experience goes as well as mine has.

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    • Author

      Marian Allen

      December 29, 2021 at 2:39pm

      I remember when you sat here, and I was terrified for you. I find it’s less scary for myself because of powerful women like you who have set me a good example. Thanks for the link!

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  5. Damyanti Biswas

    December 29, 2021 at 3:06pm

    Marian, trust you to have such a wonderful sense of humor about something that must be so frightening. I’m on internet hiatus, but signed on today and found your post–sending you hugs, and all the good vibes. You have support from your daughter, which is so lovely and reassuring. You also have invisible (probably useless), but massive amounts of ‘rooting for you’ from across the oceans. Will be sending you love and good vibes every day, and will look forward to your updates.

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    • Author

      Marian Allen

      December 30, 2021 at 8:22am

      Thank you for the love and good vibes — they definitely help! <3 <3 <3

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  6. acflory

    December 29, 2021 at 9:29pm

    Excuse the French but…BLOODY HELL! I hate the idea of you having breast cancer, or any form of cancer, but there is a bright side to a mastectomy – instant weight loss. 🙂 Okay, enough gallows humour. I’m ten years in after a radical hysterectomy, which included one lymph node. I have no proof whatsoever, but I believe that painting a bit of pure iodine on unobtrusive parts of my skin may have something to do with my ongoing remission. Iodine is like food for your immune system and not something you’d want to take if you have a hyperactive immune system, but maybe for you it would do some good. Ask your oncologist when you see her/him.
    -humungous hugs-

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    • Author

      Marian Allen

      December 30, 2021 at 8:23am

      Funnily enough, my oncologist asked if I’m allergic to iodine, when she did my intake interview. I thought it was about sterilization of the site, but now I know she’s right on the ball! HUGS back! <3 <3 <3

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      • acflory

        December 30, 2021 at 2:43pm

        Oh!?! Thank you. This is only the 2nd medical validation I’ve come across. After my op, I used the iodine every day for about two months? Something like that. Now I do a course for a couple of weeks a few times a year. For me, a course involves painting about 2 – 3 square inches of skin with iodine once a day. In normal people it will be absorbed within 24 hours [it will stain while wet so be careful!] For me it’s about 8 hours but that could be because I only have about 1/2 of my thyroid [partial thyroidectomy for benign lump].
        I try to alternate patches of skin as using the same spot multiple times can cause a bit of an irritation.
        If your doc is okay with the iodine, don’t wait. Start now.
        I use Lugol’s pure iodine because you can get it online, but Betadine has iodine in it and most chemists here stock it so I imagine they would in the US too.
        Most importantly…you are not alone. -hugs-

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  7. circadianreflections

    December 30, 2021 at 6:23pm

    What Michael said!!! It’s a particular fear of mine since my maternal Grandmother died of breast cancer when I was just 13 weeks old. Mom and I lost someone very special because of it.
    Keep us in the loop, and I’ll be sending healing, good thoughts, and positive vibes your way, cousin! You’re so brave!!!

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    • Author

      Marian Allen

      December 31, 2021 at 8:06am

      Gotta do it, and almost 100% of women come through fine. Mine looks to be simple, so I’m hoping for the best. As my mother used to say, “Don’t cry until you’re hurt.”

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  8. joey

    January 8, 2022 at 7:36pm

    I just hate this. I am sure you’ll be fine after, and certainly you’ll be a shining example of survivorship, but I HATE IT. I hate that you must go through it. Big love from me to you.

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    • Author

      Marian Allen

      January 9, 2022 at 8:23am

      Thank you, Joey. I have many shining examples of survivorship to inspire me. Like my late friend Violet, who stuffed her empty cup with colorful scarves and left the tail hanging out as a fashion accent.

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      • joey

        January 9, 2022 at 12:11pm

        I would absolutely go with colorful scarves myself. I’m appreciating Violet’s example.

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