If Cats Could Drink Beer #Caturday

Hi, there! I’m Tipper Allen, and guess what? I was really, really bad and bited Momma on purpose and blooded her!

Here is a picture of it. See how it’s all red around it? That’s how bad I bited it! It didn’t get infecteded, like Granny’s arm did when her cat Ozzie accidentally scratched her.

See, what happened was that Momma was feeding me too much. It made my tummy feel funny and it made me cranky. That doesn’t mean it was her fault. I didn’t have to eat too much, but I love my food! I still couldn’t eat it all, but I eated so much I got all grumpy. Then she touched my belly to scratch it, and I didn’t even warn her, I just BITED. So she cut back a little on my food, and now I feel great! But I’m sorry.

So now I’m ‘polologizing, like this (and I’m sending thank yous to Momma’s friend Dan, who writes about “If We Were Having A Beer”).

If cats could drink beer, I would take you to The Irish Rover, where you go with your bestest friend, Jane.

“Afternoon, folks. I mean, folk and cat. Can I get you something to drink?”

“She’ll have a Blacksmith. I think a milk stout sounds good.”

Blacksmith: Half Guinness, half Smithwick’s. Both on tap.

“Be right back.”

“You know there’s no actual milk in a milk stout, right?”

“O’ course there is! They couldn’t say it, if it wasn’t true!”

“You don’t get out much, do you?”

“I can’t dribe an’ I don’t eben hab a car.”


“Here’s your beers. You ready to order?”

“I only like my own food.”

“I’ll have a fish and chips.”

“Two plates?”

“It’s worth a try.”

“Be right back.”

“I only like my own food.”

“Yeah, I know. You like it a lot.”

“I sorry I bited you.”

“I know.”

“Are we okay, Momma?”

“Sure, we’re okay.”

“Okay, here we are — One fish and chips and an extra plate.”

“Thanks. You want some fish, Tipster?”

“I only like my own food.”

Then we would go to Vint, and I would be still while Momma took a picture of the train for Dan.

Then we would go home and I would hold you down with my legs and purr, so you would know for sure how sorry I was.

The end.

A WRITING PROMPT FOR ANIMALS: How do you show you’re sorry, if you do somefing bad?



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One thought on “If Cats Could Drink Beer #Caturday

  1. Jane

    August 5, 2017 at 8:47am

    Dear Tipper,
    You a right nut job, eh?
    It’s ok. Your momma knows you love her.

    Ah, those great trips to the Rover…..

    Permalink  ⋅ Reply
    • Marian Allen

      August 5, 2017 at 10:12am

      If he doesn’t quit biting me hard, him and me is gonna come to misunderstanding. Snow, if you get my drift.

      Permalink  ⋅ Reply
  2. joey

    August 5, 2017 at 2:49pm

    AWWWW! Who could stay mad after that?!?

    Permalink  ⋅ Reply
  3. dan antion

    August 5, 2017 at 3:40pm

    Hi Tipper. Thanks for the shout. But, you bit your momma? Tipper, that just not a good thing to do. I know, you’re sorry, so I guess it’s OK. BUT…Tipper? Two plates of fish and chips? That’s gonna fill the belly and you’re gonna be cranky again. You bite momma again, and you may end up being an outside cat. You stick to your food, no beer and no biting.

    Yeah, yeah, you’re a good kitty. I can’t stay mad at you 🙂

    Permalink  ⋅ Reply
    • Marian Allen

      August 7, 2017 at 8:21am

      Nah, see, YOU are the acknowledged master of the tag-free dialog, and Tipper is a cat. What he meant to communicate was that he only likes his own food, that I bought an order of fish and chips with two plates, so I could offer him some, but that he refused. He won’t eat people food, which makes it very nice, because he never begs at the table of steals any people food (unless it’s round, in which case it’s a cat toy). He IS a good kitty. Mostly.

      Permalink  ⋅ Reply
  4. Pete Laberge

    August 5, 2017 at 10:27pm

    Well, my sister’s German Shepherd dog, Rocky, thought he could drive. He’d sit in the seat put his paws on the wheel, and all. Just could not reach the pedals. A small handicap that kept him from driving off in her old Big M.

    Permalink  ⋅ Reply
    • Marian Allen

      August 7, 2017 at 8:22am

      LOL! That, I’d like to see! He’d probably be a better driver than a lot of people on the road. Hard to text and drive, when you don’t have actual fingers.

      Permalink  ⋅ Reply
      • Pete Laberge

        August 7, 2017 at 5:05pm

        And in 1961, there were no cell phones, pads, or computers to distract drivers. Only the radio. Where an announcer told all the men to close their eyes, and describe their ties. He meant people at home and in the office. But a lot of drivers did, too. Many minor fender benders resulted..

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  5. A.C.Flory

    August 6, 2017 at 5:39am

    I know how your Momma feels Tipper. My Golli bites me sometimes too, but he had a bad accident so his head isn’t completely right. Just think how bad you’d feel if your Momma bit you back!

    Permalink  ⋅ Reply
    • Marian Allen

      August 7, 2017 at 8:24am

      Ick! He knows I don’t want a mouthful of fur! I could bite his ear, though. Hmmmm…. No, it’s tempting, but I couldn’t do it. 😀

      Permalink  ⋅ Reply

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